my sanctuary…

Do Dreams Come True?

Someone I know has been working hard on something she believes in for more than a month now.

She’s been scorned at since day one by none other than her own family and relatives for this act of hers, which has been deemed as utterly foolish and incredibly impulsive.

Which doesn’t really come as a surprise. It involved a big sum of money, and it’s something that practically nobody here has ever heard of (well, not within my circle of acquaintances and potential sponsors anyway). Plus, she didn’t have a clean financial record to begin with too; she’d always been the big spender of the family and are in big debts due to her study loans and no thanks to her bad financial sense in the past.

And most would also argue that she’s too inexperienced to handle a project this big, especially since she’d just graduated not too long ago and seriously lacks work experience.

Makes sense actually. A whole lot of it, in fact.

And with all those scams booming out there, it would even be a surprise if anyone did believe in her. Almost everyone she approached for financial support turned her down, even the most potential of sponsors, for the most conservative of reasons; too risky. But one can’t really blame them…

Honestly, if I didn’t know her, I would have thought that she had a screw loose in her head also. In fact, if I was still the same me more than half a year ago, I would have been her harshest critic.

No kidding.

But I chose to believe in her.

And God.

Even so, I too got weak and discouraged every now and then as I tried to help her garner funds but to no avail. Honestly, one can really have multiple nervous breakdowns from all the rejections. Talk about the amount of time, effort and energy spent talking and persuading only to be met with conclusive negative answers. It only took me merely two failed attempts to give up on asking for financial support from people I know. I knew it would be hard, but I just didn’t realize the enormous amount of energy it sucked out of me trying to convince them to help.

After those two episodes, I decided to help her on my own as much as I can instead. But I’ve reached my limit too, as I still need to make sure that I’d be able to support myself and especially my other family members also. One can really have multiple nervous breakdowns from delving into too much financial risks also, especially one as financially risk-averse as I am. =.=”’

Reckless as my decision to support her may seem to most people, as it is with her decision to pursue this dream of hers relentlessly, I seriously believe in her capabilities. The few things that worry me most are those that are out of her control. For those I’ll just have to trust God, just as what she is doing, which is one of the main driving forces behind her decision and sudden strong willpower. The stakes are exceptionally high, anything can go wrong anytime; nevertheless, there are no buts for her now. No turning back, definitely no stopping.

As I stand by and watch her hard at work, painstakingly piecing together her dream in this largely materialistic and unforgiving world, I finally see and experience for myself what dreams are really made of. Overwhelming amount of setbacks that you choose to either succumb to and break you into pieces or surmount and slowly build you up from the inside.

Dreams do come true, you know. For the deserving ones.

Some Things Have Changed.

Am feeling rather blank and blur now, but I should really be updating this place already. Been both busy and lazy. *apologetic grin*

It’s now pretty well into the third month of the year… Man, where did all the time go huh???

Quite a lot of things have changed actually.

For one, my relationship with my siblings have taken a turn for the better, especially after they moved out of the place, ironically. Am too sleepy to think of why now, but truth to be told, I’ve never felt more peaceful, calm and liberated of having the whole place to myself. Ahh…

There are still the financial and security concerns, but I think one can only worry so much, seriously. I mean, what’s the point of having so many people staying together under one roof yet no one’s home most of the time and we annoy the heck out of each other all the same? That said, I’m very thankful that I can still afford this small luxury on my own. Ahh…

Anyhow, am expecting another sibling to join me if application to nearby college is firmed. Maybe two even, depends.

Honestly, that worries me more than all the financial and security concerns. The last thing I need is another sibling that drives me crazy in the very place I stay (as if I haven’t had enough stress at work, duh…). And we’re talking about the possiblity of two here. *what*

I shall wait and see.

Would like to write more but my consciousness is rather limited now. @.@ Not really satisfied with this entry though, but it will have to do for the time being while I push myself to get my act up and running again. *sweat*

Good night. Zzz…

My 2009.

Another year came and went just like that.

Funny how the anticipation seems to dissipate with the passing of time as the real thing draws near. Or perhaps it’s just me missing out, yet again, on all those stuff that I had wished to complete in time for the real day. The day just doesn’t feel like it at all when nothing is really done because things are basically still the same. >.<

Lazy me. The chronic procrastinator. T_T

2009. I’ve changed. My thoughts and my perspectives on life. Sadly, the same does not apply to my good ol’ bad habits, namely laziness and procrastination. There’s a whole lot more but these two vices are more than enough for me to deal with already. T_T

The first half of 2009 saw a disillusioned and depressed me (then again, when am I not disillusioned and depressed anyway.. *shrug*), finding my job then terribly dull and meaningless. 3 years plus of insignificant contributions plus a company culture that’s seemingly open but is ironically full of buried ill feelings that are unearthed when people find common grounds to talk about it.. Man, I’ve really let my insecurities and inconfidence got in the way far too much, again. (!)

But then there’s the consolation of having bonded with some colleagues whom I can talk personal stuff with and trust, for which I am quite grateful because being the social recluse and homebody I am… I really don’t have a lot of friends. T_T

I ambitiously drafted a detailed plan for 2009 in an Excel worksheet some time around March and April, only to see myself largely ignoring it for the most part of the year. That’s another case of over-setting of goals to add to the list. T_T

This is really getting too depressing. But I shall bravely continue!!!

Duh.

The second half of 2009 was a little more happening (please do not place too much emphasis on the word happening, bear in mind that I am a social recluse and a homebody, even the littlest thing would be considered happening.. *shrug*).

For starters, I resigned and hopped on to another job that offered less fringe benefits (much less, sad to say.. *cry*). Call me crazy, but this job gave me some of the fulfilment that I’d craved for ever since I officially joined the general workforce ages ago, notwithstanding the poor fringe benefits (*cryyy*!) and the extra miles to cover on foot for the commute, not to mention the extra burden of a laptop on the back (great for maintaining the body weight though.. *shrug*). As such, I’m one or two levels less disillusioned and depressed now. =.=”’

I don’t exactly know how to describe that feeling of contentment, especially the sources of it. But I think it’s largely due to the fact that I’m working with a group of people that emit totally different vibes from those of whom I’ve worked with before. I’m talking about experienced people with minds bent on neverending research as well as eager in finding and making use of effective solutions. I feel that I’m learning, finally learning something useful here, but I am yet able to pinpoint exactly what is it. =.=”’

That aside, turning to personal matters, 2009 also saw a terribly emotional me, what with happening conflicts with siblings, as well as some troubles in heart-land, towards the last quarter of the year. Of course, there will always be the issues of poor self-image which have seen the light once too many times and probably will be so until I’ve finally knocked it darn deep into my mind and heart, body and soul to straighten out my act. Well, no talk of poor self-image for now. Blerh.

The biggest life lessons 2009 had to offer me came from the misunderstandings I had with my siblings. Never had I hated someone so much before in my life at that point of time (well, as far as I can remember anyway.. *shrug*). Two someones at those two points of time, to be exact. I felt so upset, so disappointed, so terribly taken for granted.

As it is with my basic instinct, my initial impulse was to get away from them as soon as possible. Restricted by financial and security concerns (and laziness.. *roll eyes*), I resorted to having nothing to do with them at all as much as possible. Which isn’t really wise considering that I am the big sister in the house. But I am just a mere human with dozens of weaknesses. Sigh.

Yet I surprised myself still, where I would have been consumed with rage and showed it by banging things here and there (especially doors, ahem…) had something like these occurred in the past, this time round, I gradually felt resignation and reluctant understanding of why they behaved this way towards me. And never had I felt so alone before in my life when I couldn’t find anyone to share my angst in person, someone who could truly listen to me and understand what I was going through. The feeling was horrible.

But time was a great healer and I realized that I was not that alone after all. I myself was to blame for the most part anyway for not taking the effort to build meaningful friendships, even to the extent of pushing potential good friends away (was too lazy to go out, see… *no eye see*).

And I have since made up with one of my sisters, the younger yet wiser one. On her birthday, I wrote her a private Facebook message when I saw how depressing her Facebook status message was. I loved what I wrote her because it was truly beautiful and meaningful, and she was really encouraged after she saw it because it was what she has been direly wanting to know. But I can’t really claim all the credit for what I wrote, for something motivated me that night as I wrote and I firmly believe that it could have only come from God. And it started to mend my relationship with her as we continued to reply each other’s messages and understood more of each other.

We gossiped a little on the idiot too. Yeah, the other sister. Sadly, I’m still not on talking terms with her. She went too far with her words on her Facebook wall (with our mutual friends amounting to more than a hundred, not that I care a lot, but there is clearly no respect at all…), couple that with her idiotic stubbornness, flawed reasonings, inflated ego and sense of pride, I am having quite a hard time to forgive her completely. But I’m more at peace now with myself, except for the occasional under-the-breath swearings when she pissed me off again or when I inadvertently reminded myself of her brattiness every now and then.

I have to give her the benefit of doubt though, she’s not that bad, really. Perhaps all will be good when we live apart. There’s only so much that can be done with people who can’t stand each other.

As for love, me and him had a good talk about us on the last night of the year and well into the new year. And we found out that a lot of our thoughts and feelings on our 3 years plus of long-distance relationship were very similar, as well as some of our characteristics which shouldn’t be that similar. Long story cut short, as of now, neither of us are able to give up what we have in order to live our lives together with each other, and continuing with the long-distance relationship will mostly see us repeating the same stuff all over again with what we are now, so we decided to remain as friends instead and see if fate brings us back together again. I’ll blog about it in a separate blog post (subject to laziness, blerh.).

Last but not least, the two most important things that should be on the top rungs of my priority ladder but had always been neglected: health and faith. I’ve always taken my health for granted, never bothered to get even a normal medical checkup, and I’m a little worried if I overdid it with all the improper diet and lack of sleep. Especially the unnecessary late-nighters, all-nighters even (my poor, poor liver…)… Okay, am quite worried. I pray that it doesn’t take a serious illness to wake me up to the harsh reality. *slap forehead real hard*

My Christian faith have taken a turn for the worse ever since I moved myself to the big city 3 years plus ago. And it was certainly no better this year, in fact, I’m beginning to think that I’m losing it at a rate that is not so reassuring, especially after what I had with my siblings. *sweat* That said, I still believe in my faith and I’m annoyed when people don’t respect it. You can choose not to believe in what I believe in but you at the very least respect it by not saying that what I believe in is wrong. It’s the practising part that’s gotten me in a rut and I know not yet how to deal with it. =S

Okay, I actually published this post without mentioning one major thing that I’ve started again (!) in the second half of 2009; this blog. *slap forehead damn hard* I can’t believe how could I have forgotten. (!) Here I am, typing it all out here, and I forgot all about it, just like that. (!) Anyhow, seeing how I forgot all about it just like that and the fact that I have been slacking in churning out blog posts lately, suffice to say, it is unfortunately not an integral part of me… yet. *sweat* I started it with the sole intention of earning money from it, but that had remained a mere thought so far. I guess I ended up wanting this blog, this website, to carry more meaning for me than just a mere money-making machine. But it has to earn me back some money to at least cover the hosting costs in less than 2 years, failing which I’ll revert to either Blogger or Wordpress (kept blogs in both before =.=”’). T_T

There you have it, my way overdue lengthy recap of my 2009. And with that, it shall make up for the lack of blog posts on this little blog of late, hehehe. But lengthy as it is, it is still quite condensed. >.<

I shall miss writing and typing 2009, after all, the digits 2 and 9 are my favorites. *big grin*

Resolutions for 2010? Hmmm…

My Bad.

Oops, neglected the poor blog for almost two weeks. And apologies for not visiting and commenting on blogs much lately. My bad, indeed. >.<

Not that I’ve been particularly busy, but when I think of the time I’d need to spend to come up with a proper blog post that I myself would be happy with (ahem..), I’m put off almost instantly. Not to mention being too lazy to edit and post up pictures for pictorial blog posts. *sweat*

I have quite a number of empty draft posts (albeit the fact that my ten fingers are more than enough to count them with, ahem..) waiting eagerly to be filled up. Must find time to do so, hopefully before the year is gone for good. >.<

I wouldn’t say that a lot of things had happened, but there were one or two that had quite a bit of impact on me in quite a eureeka-ish fashion, which cleared away some mental mist and emotional angst that had been clouding me all this while.

I’m slowly seeing some changes in me that I’m quite happy and satisfied with. And I pray that it’s only going to get better.

For all these, first and foremost, there is only God to thank. *solemn* He really gave me only trials that I could bear, and He has been so patient with me despite me getting weaker and weaker in my faith and neglecting Him more and more.. I really don’t know what to say to make it up to Him, He’s been so loving and kind to a lazy, ungrateful and unrepentant me..

Thank you so much, dear Lord, thank you.. I really can’t thank you enough.. *teary-eyed*

Of course, then there are those who were involved, namely my siblings. I shall share more when I find the time.

Ah, reality bites, but life never fails to surprise. And I do mean good and pleasant surprises.

The Countdown Began.

Been meaning to write up a little about it for a while but haven’t got around it until now. >.<

My own 2010 countdown began more than a month ago, in a well-meaning but not-quite-successful effort to remind myself, being the procrastinator that I am, that time is of the essence as the passing of 2009 unwittingly accelerates (well, it is the last quarter of the year already…). I obligingly put up “27/10/2009: Only 66 days left for 2009!” in my Facebook after posting a similar status message on MSN the day before of which prompted a mild disapproving response from a colleague who actually felt saddened being reminded that the year is ending all too soon.

Something along the lines of feeling not much has been done albeit the fact that more than 10 months had passed by since the start of 2009.

It’s the unpleasant bite of reality that most of us share as we age. (!)

Well, at least it got her reflecting on it and she actually began telling people to put in effort to enjoy more and extract more meaning out of life, especially as the year nears its end, because those are the memories that count when we reminisce the past. Being a workaholic at one point in her life made her realize that all those extra time spent on work made time passed by all the more unknowingly, unappreciated and in the end, lost. As if nothing much had been done.

Which really equated to lost chances to create sweet and everlasting memories, boring as they might be, yet undeniable proof for herself that she had indeed lived up her life.

Sigh.

As for me, I’m not a workaholic. In fact, I’m anything but. Yet, I don’t have much memories of anything simply because… I’m actually a social recluse? (!)

Okay, I’m exaggerating. Well, a little. And not really making any sense. But am not delving into this now. >.<

So the year is ending and more than a month had lapsed since the informal proclamation of my countdown and… I haven’t done much to redeem myself in spite of my original noble intent of starting the countdown. *sweat*

Now, it’s as if I’m countdown-ing just for the sake of countdown-ing.

Oh, well. Unsurprisingly. *shrug*

Okay, picking myself up and going to get things done. Make solid and viable resolutions. Tie loose ends everyday. Fight laziness and procrastination every second of the day. Realize my dreams (hmmm, what are they…). Be sure of myself, know what I want and be a go-getter.

Hmmm. Fight laziness and procrastination every second of the day. Tough one.

I’ll start with everyday first… Uh, make that every week… Um, perhaps every month…

Trying Hard To Contain…

…anger.

The idiot did it again. Am so out-of-the-world furious now.

Surprisingly, I’m not shedding any tears. But I am unbelievably dizzy from all the anger and disbelief.

I can tell you this much… Taking deep breaths when you’re seriously pissed doesn’t quite help much.

It makes me feel all the more woozier that I honestly feel like fainting!

It’s not my fault if you’re strapped for cash. Everytime you requested for it, I’ve lent you money without asking any questions or even nagging you (of course, the fact that you paid me back promptly by the next month all this while helped you a lot too). Hey, I’ve been in your salary range before okay, and I very consciously put in effort to save!! You spent more than I did and you at your own free will gave up the profession that could earn you more money, nobody forced you!!

And you’re the one who couldn’t remember when was what.

You might be a better observer (of the things around you) than I am (of the things around me), but you definitely have your blur and forgetful times, okay!!

And you obviously can’t accept it when people say you’re wrong. Not with that ego of yours.

Or perhaps I should say, when I say you’re wrong.

Some of the things you left unattended, you thought I was the one who did it. Remember the boiling empty kettle??

And I came home one day to find the house void of homo sapiens but filled with cooking gas. Because you forgot you were boiling water in the cooking pot and went out without realizing that the boiling water had overflowed and put off the gas stove’s fire, leaving the unburnt gas free to roam!!

The whole flat could have blown up!! Thank and praise the Lord that the house was and is still all in one piece!!

— — — — — — — — —

The wrath has subsided a great deal now, after letting off some steam via MSN to an innocent friend who’d commented on my relevant status message in Facebook, some ice-crunching (literally…) and the latest episode of Naruto Shippuden.

Of course, the fact that the idiot has gone off to bed and is no longer in the room is a great contributor to the superficial peace I feel right now.

I admit I am not a good sister. Neither is she.

Well, in my book, anyway. *what*

I have my quirks and habits. But so does she.

And she’s NOT the only one who’s busy and lazy.

And, we both have this tendency of not letting just anyone get used to relying on us. Especially siblings. As such, we are NOT really very willing to do things for each other. Almost each time we do so, the reaction is as if the other party is owing us big time for the, uh, favor done.

Yeah, I know how that sounds.

You know what they say about some people who just can’t live with each other under the same roof, be it friends, colleagues or family? That’s exactly the case for us.

I should’ve known, I really should’ve known. I should’ve just looked for my own place when I first came here instead of looking her up. Then again, being the coward that I am, I don’t think I would have chosen another route, given the chance to repeat everything all over again.

And, perhaps due to all the quarrels, squabbles and heartaches, I’ve come to learn quite a bit about these two sisters of mine, as well as some, if not all, valuable life lessons along the way. Yeah, another sister used to stay with us, but she got fed up with me and made up her mind to move out despite being an unemployed fresh graduate with a problematic spending habit (read: financially unstable, very willing to spend if she thinks she needs it and has the money for it even though money may be pretty scarce).

In other words, it was moi who inadvertently drove her out of the house. Sigh.

And I’ve come to a couple of bitter conclusions too. Of course, one of them has to be the fact that I very obviously can’t live with any of these two sisters in the same house.

Another conclusion would be, I strongly suspect that I’m the type that is best suited to live alone for the rest of my life.

I know. Morbid, huh.

Maybe it’s just a sudden thought that pops up whenever I feel exasperated with my current predicament. But maybe it’s for real too, so much so I worry I would neglect my own family next time (that is, if I’ll ever have one…) just so that I get all the privacy and space I want (or should I say, need…).

Sigh. I think too much.

But it would be good to try living alone for a while and see how I would like it, no?

In fact, I would’ve done so a few months ago if not for monetary and security concerns. It’ll take quite some time for me to muster enough guts to just move out and deal with the anxieties after that. >.<

In the meantime, I’m miserably stuck with this idiot… I’ll just have to find ways to deal with whatever nonsense the idiot’s going to throw at me.

And I know I’ll continue to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and again. Sh*t.

Please pray for me. Really.

Crying Mends My Soul.

I’ve always been a crybaby, as far as I can remember.

I used to cry for the littlest thing when I was a kid. So much so one particular primary school classmate had the time of her life teasing me just to see me cry, the most memorable being calling me by my Chinese name time and again. Soi poh (read: bad girl, Cantonese) (to put it mildly, ahem…).

And she was the class monitor. (!)

I have no idea why I hated her doing that then, absolutely no inkling at all, nuh uh. Then again, I hated a lot of things for no apparent reason then (and sometimes still do now…). Anyway, reminiscing that now, it was actually quite amusing, haha. This old classmate of mine (also a dear friend now =)) always have a fit when she recalls that memory with our old friends. *sweat*

I cry the most, the loudest and the worst when I’m upset, depending on the level of sadness, not to mention anger. *sweat* That is, if I’m quite affected emotionally when I’m upset. I don’t know why I am so sensitive a person. *sigh*

I don’t cry as much now (uh, I’d like to think so lah…). As I slowly catch up with my age, I slowly begin to see things more openly and slowly learn to take things easy. Sigh, it is not easy for me, I tell you, after years of such meaningless stubbornness. >.<

However, I do find myself tearing more now after a touching moment, be it real life, a story or a movie, when I used to feel just some stinging in the eyes in the past. I guess that’s another byproduct of growing older for me.

I’m not ashamed of my crying, but I’m not exactly proud of it either. And sometimes, I actually do feel somewhat uneasy crying in the presence of another being, but I just can’t help it. Like it or not, that’s just…me. >.<

Crying is really a valuable outlet for me to channel out all the negative vibes, if in the past I used to cry to…protect myself (well, yeah, in a way… =D), now I cry so that I can be at peace with myself.

Was feeling so down in the dumps a few days ago, and in an attempt to confide to someone in an email, I cried myself out real hard several times, feeling ever so miserable (to put it mildly…).

Felt so much better after that and was able to think much clearer. Deleted the email, pulled myself together and told myself that hope is always there for one who does not give up.

Rip Van Winkle In The Making.

Okay, I’m not exactly familiar with the story, the last time I read it was ages ago and with a fast deteriorating memory, sigh… But I recall he slept a lot and ended up waking a very old man with long white beard and hair. The dude actually slept for some 20 years, uh huh. *fuiyoh* (read: no kidding) (uh, i think)

It’s fictional, anyway. *shrug*

From what Wikipedia summarized, I feel as if I’m somewhat like him, with my faineance and all. Except for the amiable and loved-by-all parts. And I don’t have a cantankerous wife… I mean, husband… Uh, not right, I’m not married! But anyway, it was autumn the day he fell asleep till kingdom come, and I love autumn!!

Okay, I digressed.

I’ve mentioned that of late, I’ve been having (again!) this habit of not wanting to sleep even though I’m really sleepy. Alas, I’m still having it, and the side effects are hitting me with a vengeance.

Okay, I exaggerated.

Then again, maybe not.

I’ve been falling asleep incessantly at work especially in the afternoons. I have trouble focusing and remembering what I was doing, falling asleep almost instantly the minute I have my attention on my work (shhh, do not tell the boss!). I look pale with sunken eyes, and I feel terribly worn out. With what I’ve heard about sleeping late having bad effects on the liver, I’m scaring myself with thoughts that my liver is slowly malfunctioning. Which probably is. *gulp*

To top things off, I don’t get enough sleep even on the weekends. And I’m a homebody. Yeah, go figure.

The fact that I can still blog out this much is a miracle. (!)

I must save myself~~~ *wail* From myself~~~ *wail even louder*

Uh, Kind Of… Speechless.

Found this, uh, classic homemade (assumedly so…) music video on Facebook:

Earnestly speaking… Me, uh…really don’t know what to say. >.<

*silence*

Okay, okay, I’ll try my best to be, uh, kind, and make it, uh, short and sweet. *sweat*

While one might applaude the, uh, spirit of all those involved, the issue of originality is seriously at stake here, no kidding, not to mention copyright. The minus-one version of the original song is obviously reused (wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a pirated copy too…), just check out the vocal accompaniment especially when it comes to the chorus.

And I wonder how many of them actually had the town in their heart and mind as they went about the masterpiece. Sigh. Probably a small shot at fame for some of them or perhaps the wrong kind of can-do spirit… I know because I was such a person in the past. *sweat* Let’s just say I’ve finally grown out of it and know much better now. I honestly hope so. *cross fingers*

If it’s really homemade, then that would explain the lack of professionalism. The vocals, the gestures, the recording, the editing… Feel free to add more to the list. *what* Even so, I think it could’ve been so much better if more serious effort were poured into it. Alas, it was not to be. If it’s the work of a professional… Well, no eye see, no words to describe.

I’m unpleasantly surprised that someone actually uploaded it on YouTube. I believe I’m not the only one.

What was the dude thinking huh??

Stop Picking Up A Fight With Me!

You and your self-righteous thinking make me sick.

You think you’re the only one who contributed, endured and sacrificed?? Think again!!

It’s not like I didn’t do all those things that you obnoxiously claimed I didn’t do!!

You had your lazy and busy moments too, okay!! The fact that I put up with those and your own antics simply doesn’t register well with you, does it??

I’ve had enough!!

Argue all you want, you seem to enjoy defending yourself so much. None of my business. Gah!!

Sh*t.