my sanctuary…

Crying Mends My Soul.

I’ve always been a crybaby, as far as I can remember.

I used to cry for the littlest thing when I was a kid. So much so one particular primary school classmate had the time of her life teasing me just to see me cry, the most memorable being calling me by my Chinese name time and again. Soi poh (read: bad girl, Cantonese) (to put it mildly, ahem…).

And she was the class monitor. (!)

I have no idea why I hated her doing that then, absolutely no inkling at all, nuh uh. Then again, I hated a lot of things for no apparent reason then (and sometimes still do now…). Anyway, reminiscing that now, it was actually quite amusing, haha. This old classmate of mine (also a dear friend now =)) always have a fit when she recalls that memory with our old friends. *sweat*

I cry the most, the loudest and the worst when I’m upset, depending on the level of sadness, not to mention anger. *sweat* That is, if I’m quite affected emotionally when I’m upset. I don’t know why I am so sensitive a person. *sigh*

I don’t cry as much now (uh, I’d like to think so lah…). As I slowly catch up with my age, I slowly begin to see things more openly and slowly learn to take things easy. Sigh, it is not easy for me, I tell you, after years of such meaningless stubbornness. >.<

However, I do find myself tearing more now after a touching moment, be it real life, a story or a movie, when I used to feel just some stinging in the eyes in the past. I guess that’s another byproduct of growing older for me.

I’m not ashamed of my crying, but I’m not exactly proud of it either. And sometimes, I actually do feel somewhat uneasy crying in the presence of another being, but I just can’t help it. Like it or not, that’s just…me. >.<

Crying is really a valuable outlet for me to channel out all the negative vibes, if in the past I used to cry to…protect myself (well, yeah, in a way… =D), now I cry so that I can be at peace with myself.

Was feeling so down in the dumps a few days ago, and in an attempt to confide to someone in an email, I cried myself out real hard several times, feeling ever so miserable (to put it mildly…).

Felt so much better after that and was able to think much clearer. Deleted the email, pulled myself together and told myself that hope is always there for one who does not give up.