my sanctuary…

Trying Hard To Contain…

…anger.

The idiot did it again. Am so out-of-the-world furious now.

Surprisingly, I’m not shedding any tears. But I am unbelievably dizzy from all the anger and disbelief.

I can tell you this much… Taking deep breaths when you’re seriously pissed doesn’t quite help much.

It makes me feel all the more woozier that I honestly feel like fainting!

It’s not my fault if you’re strapped for cash. Everytime you requested for it, I’ve lent you money without asking any questions or even nagging you (of course, the fact that you paid me back promptly by the next month all this while helped you a lot too). Hey, I’ve been in your salary range before okay, and I very consciously put in effort to save!! You spent more than I did and you at your own free will gave up the profession that could earn you more money, nobody forced you!!

And you’re the one who couldn’t remember when was what.

You might be a better observer (of the things around you) than I am (of the things around me), but you definitely have your blur and forgetful times, okay!!

And you obviously can’t accept it when people say you’re wrong. Not with that ego of yours.

Or perhaps I should say, when I say you’re wrong.

Some of the things you left unattended, you thought I was the one who did it. Remember the boiling empty kettle??

And I came home one day to find the house void of homo sapiens but filled with cooking gas. Because you forgot you were boiling water in the cooking pot and went out without realizing that the boiling water had overflowed and put off the gas stove’s fire, leaving the unburnt gas free to roam!!

The whole flat could have blown up!! Thank and praise the Lord that the house was and is still all in one piece!!

— — — — — — — — —

The wrath has subsided a great deal now, after letting off some steam via MSN to an innocent friend who’d commented on my relevant status message in Facebook, some ice-crunching (literally…) and the latest episode of Naruto Shippuden.

Of course, the fact that the idiot has gone off to bed and is no longer in the room is a great contributor to the superficial peace I feel right now.

I admit I am not a good sister. Neither is she.

Well, in my book, anyway. *what*

I have my quirks and habits. But so does she.

And she’s NOT the only one who’s busy and lazy.

And, we both have this tendency of not letting just anyone get used to relying on us. Especially siblings. As such, we are NOT really very willing to do things for each other. Almost each time we do so, the reaction is as if the other party is owing us big time for the, uh, favor done.

Yeah, I know how that sounds.

You know what they say about some people who just can’t live with each other under the same roof, be it friends, colleagues or family? That’s exactly the case for us.

I should’ve known, I really should’ve known. I should’ve just looked for my own place when I first came here instead of looking her up. Then again, being the coward that I am, I don’t think I would have chosen another route, given the chance to repeat everything all over again.

And, perhaps due to all the quarrels, squabbles and heartaches, I’ve come to learn quite a bit about these two sisters of mine, as well as some, if not all, valuable life lessons along the way. Yeah, another sister used to stay with us, but she got fed up with me and made up her mind to move out despite being an unemployed fresh graduate with a problematic spending habit (read: financially unstable, very willing to spend if she thinks she needs it and has the money for it even though money may be pretty scarce).

In other words, it was moi who inadvertently drove her out of the house. Sigh.

And I’ve come to a couple of bitter conclusions too. Of course, one of them has to be the fact that I very obviously can’t live with any of these two sisters in the same house.

Another conclusion would be, I strongly suspect that I’m the type that is best suited to live alone for the rest of my life.

I know. Morbid, huh.

Maybe it’s just a sudden thought that pops up whenever I feel exasperated with my current predicament. But maybe it’s for real too, so much so I worry I would neglect my own family next time (that is, if I’ll ever have one…) just so that I get all the privacy and space I want (or should I say, need…).

Sigh. I think too much.

But it would be good to try living alone for a while and see how I would like it, no?

In fact, I would’ve done so a few months ago if not for monetary and security concerns. It’ll take quite some time for me to muster enough guts to just move out and deal with the anxieties after that. >.<

In the meantime, I’m miserably stuck with this idiot… I’ll just have to find ways to deal with whatever nonsense the idiot’s going to throw at me.

And I know I’ll continue to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and again. Sh*t.

Please pray for me. Really.