my sanctuary…

My 2009.

Another year came and went just like that.

Funny how the anticipation seems to dissipate with the passing of time as the real thing draws near. Or perhaps it’s just me missing out, yet again, on all those stuff that I had wished to complete in time for the real day. The day just doesn’t feel like it at all when nothing is really done because things are basically still the same. >.<

Lazy me. The chronic procrastinator. T_T

2009. I’ve changed. My thoughts and my perspectives on life. Sadly, the same does not apply to my good ol’ bad habits, namely laziness and procrastination. There’s a whole lot more but these two vices are more than enough for me to deal with already. T_T

The first half of 2009 saw a disillusioned and depressed me (then again, when am I not disillusioned and depressed anyway.. *shrug*), finding my job then terribly dull and meaningless. 3 years plus of insignificant contributions plus a company culture that’s seemingly open but is ironically full of buried ill feelings that are unearthed when people find common grounds to talk about it.. Man, I’ve really let my insecurities and inconfidence got in the way far too much, again. (!)

But then there’s the consolation of having bonded with some colleagues whom I can talk personal stuff with and trust, for which I am quite grateful because being the social recluse and homebody I am… I really don’t have a lot of friends. T_T

I ambitiously drafted a detailed plan for 2009 in an Excel worksheet some time around March and April, only to see myself largely ignoring it for the most part of the year. That’s another case of over-setting of goals to add to the list. T_T

This is really getting too depressing. But I shall bravely continue!!!

Duh.

The second half of 2009 was a little more happening (please do not place too much emphasis on the word happening, bear in mind that I am a social recluse and a homebody, even the littlest thing would be considered happening.. *shrug*).

For starters, I resigned and hopped on to another job that offered less fringe benefits (much less, sad to say.. *cry*). Call me crazy, but this job gave me some of the fulfilment that I’d craved for ever since I officially joined the general workforce ages ago, notwithstanding the poor fringe benefits (*cryyy*!) and the extra miles to cover on foot for the commute, not to mention the extra burden of a laptop on the back (great for maintaining the body weight though.. *shrug*). As such, I’m one or two levels less disillusioned and depressed now. =.=”’

I don’t exactly know how to describe that feeling of contentment, especially the sources of it. But I think it’s largely due to the fact that I’m working with a group of people that emit totally different vibes from those of whom I’ve worked with before. I’m talking about experienced people with minds bent on neverending research as well as eager in finding and making use of effective solutions. I feel that I’m learning, finally learning something useful here, but I am yet able to pinpoint exactly what is it. =.=”’

That aside, turning to personal matters, 2009 also saw a terribly emotional me, what with happening conflicts with siblings, as well as some troubles in heart-land, towards the last quarter of the year. Of course, there will always be the issues of poor self-image which have seen the light once too many times and probably will be so until I’ve finally knocked it darn deep into my mind and heart, body and soul to straighten out my act. Well, no talk of poor self-image for now. Blerh.

The biggest life lessons 2009 had to offer me came from the misunderstandings I had with my siblings. Never had I hated someone so much before in my life at that point of time (well, as far as I can remember anyway.. *shrug*). Two someones at those two points of time, to be exact. I felt so upset, so disappointed, so terribly taken for granted.

As it is with my basic instinct, my initial impulse was to get away from them as soon as possible. Restricted by financial and security concerns (and laziness.. *roll eyes*), I resorted to having nothing to do with them at all as much as possible. Which isn’t really wise considering that I am the big sister in the house. But I am just a mere human with dozens of weaknesses. Sigh.

Yet I surprised myself still, where I would have been consumed with rage and showed it by banging things here and there (especially doors, ahem…) had something like these occurred in the past, this time round, I gradually felt resignation and reluctant understanding of why they behaved this way towards me. And never had I felt so alone before in my life when I couldn’t find anyone to share my angst in person, someone who could truly listen to me and understand what I was going through. The feeling was horrible.

But time was a great healer and I realized that I was not that alone after all. I myself was to blame for the most part anyway for not taking the effort to build meaningful friendships, even to the extent of pushing potential good friends away (was too lazy to go out, see… *no eye see*).

And I have since made up with one of my sisters, the younger yet wiser one. On her birthday, I wrote her a private Facebook message when I saw how depressing her Facebook status message was. I loved what I wrote her because it was truly beautiful and meaningful, and she was really encouraged after she saw it because it was what she has been direly wanting to know. But I can’t really claim all the credit for what I wrote, for something motivated me that night as I wrote and I firmly believe that it could have only come from God. And it started to mend my relationship with her as we continued to reply each other’s messages and understood more of each other.

We gossiped a little on the idiot too. Yeah, the other sister. Sadly, I’m still not on talking terms with her. She went too far with her words on her Facebook wall (with our mutual friends amounting to more than a hundred, not that I care a lot, but there is clearly no respect at all…), couple that with her idiotic stubbornness, flawed reasonings, inflated ego and sense of pride, I am having quite a hard time to forgive her completely. But I’m more at peace now with myself, except for the occasional under-the-breath swearings when she pissed me off again or when I inadvertently reminded myself of her brattiness every now and then.

I have to give her the benefit of doubt though, she’s not that bad, really. Perhaps all will be good when we live apart. There’s only so much that can be done with people who can’t stand each other.

As for love, me and him had a good talk about us on the last night of the year and well into the new year. And we found out that a lot of our thoughts and feelings on our 3 years plus of long-distance relationship were very similar, as well as some of our characteristics which shouldn’t be that similar. Long story cut short, as of now, neither of us are able to give up what we have in order to live our lives together with each other, and continuing with the long-distance relationship will mostly see us repeating the same stuff all over again with what we are now, so we decided to remain as friends instead and see if fate brings us back together again. I’ll blog about it in a separate blog post (subject to laziness, blerh.).

Last but not least, the two most important things that should be on the top rungs of my priority ladder but had always been neglected: health and faith. I’ve always taken my health for granted, never bothered to get even a normal medical checkup, and I’m a little worried if I overdid it with all the improper diet and lack of sleep. Especially the unnecessary late-nighters, all-nighters even (my poor, poor liver…)… Okay, am quite worried. I pray that it doesn’t take a serious illness to wake me up to the harsh reality. *slap forehead real hard*

My Christian faith have taken a turn for the worse ever since I moved myself to the big city 3 years plus ago. And it was certainly no better this year, in fact, I’m beginning to think that I’m losing it at a rate that is not so reassuring, especially after what I had with my siblings. *sweat* That said, I still believe in my faith and I’m annoyed when people don’t respect it. You can choose not to believe in what I believe in but you at the very least respect it by not saying that what I believe in is wrong. It’s the practising part that’s gotten me in a rut and I know not yet how to deal with it. =S

Okay, I actually published this post without mentioning one major thing that I’ve started again (!) in the second half of 2009; this blog. *slap forehead damn hard* I can’t believe how could I have forgotten. (!) Here I am, typing it all out here, and I forgot all about it, just like that. (!) Anyhow, seeing how I forgot all about it just like that and the fact that I have been slacking in churning out blog posts lately, suffice to say, it is unfortunately not an integral part of me… yet. *sweat* I started it with the sole intention of earning money from it, but that had remained a mere thought so far. I guess I ended up wanting this blog, this website, to carry more meaning for me than just a mere money-making machine. But it has to earn me back some money to at least cover the hosting costs in less than 2 years, failing which I’ll revert to either Blogger or Wordpress (kept blogs in both before =.=”’). T_T

There you have it, my way overdue lengthy recap of my 2009. And with that, it shall make up for the lack of blog posts on this little blog of late, hehehe. But lengthy as it is, it is still quite condensed. >.<

I shall miss writing and typing 2009, after all, the digits 2 and 9 are my favorites. *big grin*

Resolutions for 2010? Hmmm…