She’s been scorned at since day one by none other than her own family and relatives for this act of hers, which has been deemed as utterly foolish and incredibly impulsive.

Which doesn’t really come as a surprise. It involved a big sum of money, and it’s something that practically nobody here has ever heard of (well, not within my circle of acquaintances and potential sponsors anyway). Plus, she didn’t have a clean financial record to begin with too; she’d always been the big spender of the family and are in big debts due to her study loans and no thanks to her bad financial sense in the past.

And most would also argue that she’s too inexperienced to handle a project this big, especially since she’d just graduated not too long ago and seriously lacks work experience.

Makes sense actually. A whole lot of it, in fact.

And with all those scams booming out there, it would even be a surprise if anyone did believe in her. Almost everyone she approached for financial support turned her down, even the most potential of sponsors, for the most conservative of reasons; too risky. But one can’t really blame them…

Honestly, if I didn’t know her, I would have thought that she had a screw loose in her head also. In fact, if I was still the same me more than half a year ago, I would have been her harshest critic.

No kidding.

But I chose to believe in her.

And God.

Even so, I too got weak and discouraged every now and then as I tried to help her garner funds but to no avail. Honestly, one can really have multiple nervous breakdowns from all the rejections. Talk about the amount of time, effort and energy spent talking and persuading only to be met with conclusive negative answers. It only took me merely two failed attempts to give up on asking for financial support from people I know. I knew it would be hard, but I just didn’t realize the enormous amount of energy it sucked out of me trying to convince them to help.

After those two episodes, I decided to help her on my own as much as I can instead. But I’ve reached my limit too, as I still need to make sure that I’d be able to support myself and especially my other family members also. One can really have multiple nervous breakdowns from delving into too much financial risks also, especially one as financially risk-averse as I am. =.=”’

Reckless as my decision to support her may seem to most people, as it is with her decision to pursue this dream of hers relentlessly, I seriously believe in her capabilities. The few things that worry me most are those that are out of her control. For those I’ll just have to trust God, just as what she is doing, which is one of the main driving forces behind her decision and sudden strong willpower. The stakes are exceptionally high, anything can go wrong anytime; nevertheless, there are no buts for her now. No turning back, definitely no stopping.

As I stand by and watch her hard at work, painstakingly piecing together her dream in this largely materialistic and unforgiving world, I finally see and experience for myself what dreams are really made of. Overwhelming amount of setbacks that you choose to either succumb to and break you into pieces or surmount and slowly build you up from the inside.

Dreams do come true, you know. For the deserving ones.

It’s now pretty well into the third month of the year… Man, where did all the time go huh???

Quite a lot of things have changed actually.

For one, my relationship with my siblings have taken a turn for the better, especially after they moved out of the place, ironically. Am too sleepy to think of why now, but truth to be told, I’ve never felt more peaceful, calm and liberated of having the whole place to myself. Ahh…

There are still the financial and security concerns, but I think one can only worry so much, seriously. I mean, what’s the point of having so many people staying together under one roof yet no one’s home most of the time and we annoy the heck out of each other all the same? That said, I’m very thankful that I can still afford this small luxury on my own. Ahh…

Anyhow, am expecting another sibling to join me if application to nearby college is firmed. Maybe two even, depends.

Honestly, that worries me more than all the financial and security concerns. The last thing I need is another sibling that drives me crazy in the very place I stay (as if I haven’t had enough stress at work, duh…). And we’re talking about the possiblity of two here. *what*

I shall wait and see.

Would like to write more but my consciousness is rather limited now. @.@ Not really satisfied with this entry though, but it will have to do for the time being while I push myself to get my act up and running again. *sweat*

Good night. Zzz…

The idiot did it again. Am so out-of-the-world furious now.

Surprisingly, I’m not shedding any tears. But I am unbelievably dizzy from all the anger and disbelief.

I can tell you this much… Taking deep breaths when you’re seriously pissed doesn’t quite help much.

It makes me feel all the more woozier that I honestly feel like fainting!

It’s not my fault if you’re strapped for cash. Everytime you requested for it, I’ve lent you money without asking any questions or even nagging you (of course, the fact that you paid me back promptly by the next month all this while helped you a lot too). Hey, I’ve been in your salary range before okay, and I very consciously put in effort to save!! You spent more than I did and you at your own free will gave up the profession that could earn you more money, nobody forced you!!

And you’re the one who couldn’t remember when was what.

You might be a better observer (of the things around you) than I am (of the things around me), but you definitely have your blur and forgetful times, okay!!

And you obviously can’t accept it when people say you’re wrong. Not with that ego of yours.

Or perhaps I should say, when I say you’re wrong.

Some of the things you left unattended, you thought I was the one who did it. Remember the boiling empty kettle??

And I came home one day to find the house void of homo sapiens but filled with cooking gas. Because you forgot you were boiling water in the cooking pot and went out without realizing that the boiling water had overflowed and put off the gas stove’s fire, leaving the unburnt gas free to roam!!

The whole flat could have blown up!! Thank and praise the Lord that the house was and is still all in one piece!!

— — — — — — — — —

The wrath has subsided a great deal now, after letting off some steam via MSN to an innocent friend who’d commented on my relevant status message in Facebook, some ice-crunching (literally…) and the latest episode of Naruto Shippuden.

Of course, the fact that the idiot has gone off to bed and is no longer in the room is a great contributor to the superficial peace I feel right now.

I admit I am not a good sister. Neither is she.

Well, in my book, anyway. *what*

I have my quirks and habits. But so does she.

And she’s NOT the only one who’s busy and lazy.

And, we both have this tendency of not letting just anyone get used to relying on us. Especially siblings. As such, we are NOT really very willing to do things for each other. Almost each time we do so, the reaction is as if the other party is owing us big time for the, uh, favor done.

Yeah, I know how that sounds.

You know what they say about some people who just can’t live with each other under the same roof, be it friends, colleagues or family? That’s exactly the case for us.

I should’ve known, I really should’ve known. I should’ve just looked for my own place when I first came here instead of looking her up. Then again, being the coward that I am, I don’t think I would have chosen another route, given the chance to repeat everything all over again.

And, perhaps due to all the quarrels, squabbles and heartaches, I’ve come to learn quite a bit about these two sisters of mine, as well as some, if not all, valuable life lessons along the way. Yeah, another sister used to stay with us, but she got fed up with me and made up her mind to move out despite being an unemployed fresh graduate with a problematic spending habit (read: financially unstable, very willing to spend if she thinks she needs it and has the money for it even though money may be pretty scarce).

In other words, it was moi who inadvertently drove her out of the house. Sigh.

And I’ve come to a couple of bitter conclusions too. Of course, one of them has to be the fact that I very obviously can’t live with any of these two sisters in the same house.

Another conclusion would be, I strongly suspect that I’m the type that is best suited to live alone for the rest of my life.

I know. Morbid, huh.

Maybe it’s just a sudden thought that pops up whenever I feel exasperated with my current predicament. But maybe it’s for real too, so much so I worry I would neglect my own family next time (that is, if I’ll ever have one…) just so that I get all the privacy and space I want (or should I say, need…).

Sigh. I think too much.

But it would be good to try living alone for a while and see how I would like it, no?

In fact, I would’ve done so a few months ago if not for monetary and security concerns. It’ll take quite some time for me to muster enough guts to just move out and deal with the anxieties after that. >.<

In the meantime, I’m miserably stuck with this idiot… I’ll just have to find ways to deal with whatever nonsense the idiot’s going to throw at me.

And I know I’ll continue to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and again. Sh*t.

Please pray for me. Really.

You think you’re the only one who contributed, endured and sacrificed?? Think again!!

It’s not like I didn’t do all those things that you obnoxiously claimed I didn’t do!!

You had your lazy and busy moments too, okay!! The fact that I put up with those and your own antics simply doesn’t register well with you, does it??

I’ve had enough!!

Argue all you want, you seem to enjoy defending yourself so much. None of my business. Gah!!

Sh*t.

Had a good chat with my cousin over Skype a while ago for more than 2 hours. =P

Among the things I found out from her was the fact that one of our close relatives is actually gay (“gay” actually sounds a little derogatory to me, but I can’t for the life of me find a better sounding word >.<).

Wow.

I thought I heard her wrong when she mentioned “…his boyfriend…”.

I only realized the stark reality when she said that grandmother asked her dad to persuade the relative to not to continue with the relationship anymore.

I had never in my life pondered about knowing anyone who’s homosexual, or even being near anyone who is. Much less a close relative. It just didn’t cross my mind before.

Well, I don’t really have anything against gays or lesbians, although I must say that it is indeed against my religion. In this part of the world, no, in my world, they only existed in news and articles before. All of a sudden, boom… Reality never fails to surprise.

I wasn’t actually too shocked, frankly speaking. I think it’s largely due to the fact that I’ve only met him once in my whole life so far, thus the connection’s practically not there at all. And given the fact that he’s been living in a modern and developed city for so long where people are more open-minded, I guess that it’s just as well that he accepted himself as he is without that much scrutiny from the people around him, compared to the people in this part of the world who are still pretty much conservative in some ways.

Had he been here all this while, I wouldn’t even want to imagine the kind of socially and personally inflicted stress that he would have to endure, especially if he’s not strong enough…

I’m glad that grandmother didn’t disown him or anything, though I do wonder how did she feel when she first knew…

Being who I am and what I believe in, however, there’s a tiny hope in me that wished he was heterosexual though, that he’d had found in himself that he’s not gay after all. That’s one for wishful thinking, but still, there’s no harm to hope.

Perhaps I’ll pay them a visit someday.

Sweet Surprise #1

Got back in touch with my uncle’s family through MSN last night (all of them living in New Zealand for more than 20 years now), my cousin asked my youngest sister for my and the rest of my siblings’ MSN contacts. The last time I saw them, especially my aunt and two adorable cousins now all grown up, was more than 10 years ago! My cousins were just kiddos then… And now they’re actually in their 20s!

I feel so ancient… >.<

Anyway, we chatted via video call on MSN. My uncle and aunt still looked pretty much the same, perhaps a wee bit older and also rounder, haha, but my cousins, my, they’ve really grown! And I thanked my lucky stars that something was wrong with the connection between my laptop’s webcam and MSN which disabled the webcam from functioning on MSN. I could see them, but they couldn’t see me! *big grin*

Sigh, avoid as much as I may, I better fix myself up before anyone who hasn’t seen me for a long time sees me again in my current state. Nothing serious actually, just that sleep deprivation, unhealthy diet and some other not-so-bad-but-not-so-good-either habits has taken a toll on my body, giving me a pale and older-than-my-age look almost all the time. *big sigh*

That aside, I was really elated even though there were some lapses when we didn’t really know what to talk about =P I look forward to more exchanges with them and hope to visit them one day too. =)

And I hope that doesn’t remain a hope only too. *cross fingers*

Sweet Surprise #2

Two petite middle-aged ladies made room for me in the electric train when I was on my way home from work. I had just managed to get right in front of one of the seemingly full train’s doors when I stopped in my tracks after deciding not to squeeze into the train after all (the trains can get really full before and after working hours, sometimes with people squeezing in desperately for a spot that might not even fit them, sigh… can’t really blame them when trains do not arrive promptly even during peak hours, sigh…), ready to wait for the next train when the two ladies shifted and gently prompted me to get in anyhow.

I was really touched. Honest. You don’t get much of that often around here.

And I did got in, haha, laptop and all. Well, it wasn’t really that full. *big grin*

And… I somewhat felt ashamed of myself. I would usually silently, uh, scold those who squeeze in, regardless there were still room or not. I don’t particularly recall stepping aside like what the ladies did for me.

Hmmm… Maybe I did too. On the good days. =P