It’s now pretty well into the third month of the year… Man, where did all the time go huh???

Quite a lot of things have changed actually.

For one, my relationship with my siblings have taken a turn for the better, especially after they moved out of the place, ironically. Am too sleepy to think of why now, but truth to be told, I’ve never felt more peaceful, calm and liberated of having the whole place to myself. Ahh…

There are still the financial and security concerns, but I think one can only worry so much, seriously. I mean, what’s the point of having so many people staying together under one roof yet no one’s home most of the time and we annoy the heck out of each other all the same? That said, I’m very thankful that I can still afford this small luxury on my own. Ahh…

Anyhow, am expecting another sibling to join me if application to nearby college is firmed. Maybe two even, depends.

Honestly, that worries me more than all the financial and security concerns. The last thing I need is another sibling that drives me crazy in the very place I stay (as if I haven’t had enough stress at work, duh…). And we’re talking about the possiblity of two here. *what*

I shall wait and see.

Would like to write more but my consciousness is rather limited now. @.@ Not really satisfied with this entry though, but it will have to do for the time being while I push myself to get my act up and running again. *sweat*

Good night. Zzz…

Funny how the anticipation seems to dissipate with the passing of time as the real thing draws near. Or perhaps it’s just me missing out, yet again, on all those stuff that I had wished to complete in time for the real day. The day just doesn’t feel like it at all when nothing is really done because things are basically still the same. >.<

Lazy me. The chronic procrastinator. T_T

2009. I’ve changed. My thoughts and my perspectives on life. Sadly, the same does not apply to my good ol’ bad habits, namely laziness and procrastination. There’s a whole lot more but these two vices are more than enough for me to deal with already. T_T

The first half of 2009 saw a disillusioned and depressed me (then again, when am I not disillusioned and depressed anyway.. *shrug*), finding my job then terribly dull and meaningless. 3 years plus of insignificant contributions plus a company culture that’s seemingly open but is ironically full of buried ill feelings that are unearthed when people find common grounds to talk about it.. Man, I’ve really let my insecurities and inconfidence got in the way far too much, again. (!)

But then there’s the consolation of having bonded with some colleagues whom I can talk personal stuff with and trust, for which I am quite grateful because being the social recluse and homebody I am… I really don’t have a lot of friends. T_T

I ambitiously drafted a detailed plan for 2009 in an Excel worksheet some time around March and April, only to see myself largely ignoring it for the most part of the year. That’s another case of over-setting of goals to add to the list. T_T

This is really getting too depressing. But I shall bravely continue!!!

Duh.

The second half of 2009 was a little more happening (please do not place too much emphasis on the word happening, bear in mind that I am a social recluse and a homebody, even the littlest thing would be considered happening.. *shrug*).

For starters, I resigned and hopped on to another job that offered less fringe benefits (much less, sad to say.. *cry*). Call me crazy, but this job gave me some of the fulfilment that I’d craved for ever since I officially joined the general workforce ages ago, notwithstanding the poor fringe benefits (*cryyy*!) and the extra miles to cover on foot for the commute, not to mention the extra burden of a laptop on the back (great for maintaining the body weight though.. *shrug*). As such, I’m one or two levels less disillusioned and depressed now. =.=”’

I don’t exactly know how to describe that feeling of contentment, especially the sources of it. But I think it’s largely due to the fact that I’m working with a group of people that emit totally different vibes from those of whom I’ve worked with before. I’m talking about experienced people with minds bent on neverending research as well as eager in finding and making use of effective solutions. I feel that I’m learning, finally learning something useful here, but I am yet able to pinpoint exactly what is it. =.=”’

That aside, turning to personal matters, 2009 also saw a terribly emotional me, what with happening conflicts with siblings, as well as some troubles in heart-land, towards the last quarter of the year. Of course, there will always be the issues of poor self-image which have seen the light once too many times and probably will be so until I’ve finally knocked it darn deep into my mind and heart, body and soul to straighten out my act. Well, no talk of poor self-image for now. Blerh.

The biggest life lessons 2009 had to offer me came from the misunderstandings I had with my siblings. Never had I hated someone so much before in my life at that point of time (well, as far as I can remember anyway.. *shrug*). Two someones at those two points of time, to be exact. I felt so upset, so disappointed, so terribly taken for granted.

As it is with my basic instinct, my initial impulse was to get away from them as soon as possible. Restricted by financial and security concerns (and laziness.. *roll eyes*), I resorted to having nothing to do with them at all as much as possible. Which isn’t really wise considering that I am the big sister in the house. But I am just a mere human with dozens of weaknesses. Sigh.

Yet I surprised myself still, where I would have been consumed with rage and showed it by banging things here and there (especially doors, ahem…) had something like these occurred in the past, this time round, I gradually felt resignation and reluctant understanding of why they behaved this way towards me. And never had I felt so alone before in my life when I couldn’t find anyone to share my angst in person, someone who could truly listen to me and understand what I was going through. The feeling was horrible.

But time was a great healer and I realized that I was not that alone after all. I myself was to blame for the most part anyway for not taking the effort to build meaningful friendships, even to the extent of pushing potential good friends away (was too lazy to go out, see… *no eye see*).

And I have since made up with one of my sisters, the younger yet wiser one. On her birthday, I wrote her a private Facebook message when I saw how depressing her Facebook status message was. I loved what I wrote her because it was truly beautiful and meaningful, and she was really encouraged after she saw it because it was what she has been direly wanting to know. But I can’t really claim all the credit for what I wrote, for something motivated me that night as I wrote and I firmly believe that it could have only come from God. And it started to mend my relationship with her as we continued to reply each other’s messages and understood more of each other.

We gossiped a little on the idiot too. Yeah, the other sister. Sadly, I’m still not on talking terms with her. She went too far with her words on her Facebook wall (with our mutual friends amounting to more than a hundred, not that I care a lot, but there is clearly no respect at all…), couple that with her idiotic stubbornness, flawed reasonings, inflated ego and sense of pride, I am having quite a hard time to forgive her completely. But I’m more at peace now with myself, except for the occasional under-the-breath swearings when she pissed me off again or when I inadvertently reminded myself of her brattiness every now and then.

I have to give her the benefit of doubt though, she’s not that bad, really. Perhaps all will be good when we live apart. There’s only so much that can be done with people who can’t stand each other.

As for love, me and him had a good talk about us on the last night of the year and well into the new year. And we found out that a lot of our thoughts and feelings on our 3 years plus of long-distance relationship were very similar, as well as some of our characteristics which shouldn’t be that similar. Long story cut short, as of now, neither of us are able to give up what we have in order to live our lives together with each other, and continuing with the long-distance relationship will mostly see us repeating the same stuff all over again with what we are now, so we decided to remain as friends instead and see if fate brings us back together again. I’ll blog about it in a separate blog post (subject to laziness, blerh.).

Last but not least, the two most important things that should be on the top rungs of my priority ladder but had always been neglected: health and faith. I’ve always taken my health for granted, never bothered to get even a normal medical checkup, and I’m a little worried if I overdid it with all the improper diet and lack of sleep. Especially the unnecessary late-nighters, all-nighters even (my poor, poor liver…)… Okay, am quite worried. I pray that it doesn’t take a serious illness to wake me up to the harsh reality. *slap forehead real hard*

My Christian faith have taken a turn for the worse ever since I moved myself to the big city 3 years plus ago. And it was certainly no better this year, in fact, I’m beginning to think that I’m losing it at a rate that is not so reassuring, especially after what I had with my siblings. *sweat* That said, I still believe in my faith and I’m annoyed when people don’t respect it. You can choose not to believe in what I believe in but you at the very least respect it by not saying that what I believe in is wrong. It’s the practising part that’s gotten me in a rut and I know not yet how to deal with it. =S

Okay, I actually published this post without mentioning one major thing that I’ve started again (!) in the second half of 2009; this blog. *slap forehead damn hard* I can’t believe how could I have forgotten. (!) Here I am, typing it all out here, and I forgot all about it, just like that. (!) Anyhow, seeing how I forgot all about it just like that and the fact that I have been slacking in churning out blog posts lately, suffice to say, it is unfortunately not an integral part of me… yet. *sweat* I started it with the sole intention of earning money from it, but that had remained a mere thought so far. I guess I ended up wanting this blog, this website, to carry more meaning for me than just a mere money-making machine. But it has to earn me back some money to at least cover the hosting costs in less than 2 years, failing which I’ll revert to either Blogger or Wordpress (kept blogs in both before =.=”’). T_T

There you have it, my way overdue lengthy recap of my 2009. And with that, it shall make up for the lack of blog posts on this little blog of late, hehehe. But lengthy as it is, it is still quite condensed. >.<

I shall miss writing and typing 2009, after all, the digits 2 and 9 are my favorites. *big grin*

Resolutions for 2010? Hmmm…

I used to cry for the littlest thing when I was a kid. So much so one particular primary school classmate had the time of her life teasing me just to see me cry, the most memorable being calling me by my Chinese name time and again. Soi poh (read: bad girl, Cantonese) (to put it mildly, ahem…).

And she was the class monitor. (!)

I have no idea why I hated her doing that then, absolutely no inkling at all, nuh uh. Then again, I hated a lot of things for no apparent reason then (and sometimes still do now…). Anyway, reminiscing that now, it was actually quite amusing, haha. This old classmate of mine (also a dear friend now =)) always have a fit when she recalls that memory with our old friends. *sweat*

I cry the most, the loudest and the worst when I’m upset, depending on the level of sadness, not to mention anger. *sweat* That is, if I’m quite affected emotionally when I’m upset. I don’t know why I am so sensitive a person. *sigh*

I don’t cry as much now (uh, I’d like to think so lah…). As I slowly catch up with my age, I slowly begin to see things more openly and slowly learn to take things easy. Sigh, it is not easy for me, I tell you, after years of such meaningless stubbornness. >.<

However, I do find myself tearing more now after a touching moment, be it real life, a story or a movie, when I used to feel just some stinging in the eyes in the past. I guess that’s another byproduct of growing older for me.

I’m not ashamed of my crying, but I’m not exactly proud of it either. And sometimes, I actually do feel somewhat uneasy crying in the presence of another being, but I just can’t help it. Like it or not, that’s just…me. >.<

Crying is really a valuable outlet for me to channel out all the negative vibes, if in the past I used to cry to…protect myself (well, yeah, in a way… =D), now I cry so that I can be at peace with myself.

Was feeling so down in the dumps a few days ago, and in an attempt to confide to someone in an email, I cried myself out real hard several times, feeling ever so miserable (to put it mildly…).

Felt so much better after that and was able to think much clearer. Deleted the email, pulled myself together and told myself that hope is always there for one who does not give up.

I believe I’ve caused a dear friend to feel terribly disappointed and upset for helping me out, not to mention a cheering effort that went really wrong. *sad*

I failed to mention something in my previous post. In dealing with the cursed shop’s people especially the idiot obasan, I really didn’t know how to defend myself. All I know was, at the back of my mind, it was NOT my fault…

Okay, okay, I should’ve been more careful and alert. *what*

The thing is, the shop itself was at fault also, okay!

I did try to assert my innocence by pointing out the way the cursed thing was hung, but it was a dismal effort at best. Instead of confidently stating out the obvious, I was more like whining… *sad sigh*

Had my colleague not stepped in to solve the matter, I guess I would have just lingered on until I found the right words to fend for myself. While obviously trying hard to hold back my tears. >.<

Unfortunately, time was not at my side. It was just after lunch and it was time to head back to the office already. I could have asked my colleagues to head back first without me, but I really didn’t thought of that. In fact, I was actually hoping that they could’ve said something in my defense as I felt quite lost for words and my fatigue and tardy brain were of no help at all. But I do realize that it was non of their business at all, after all in the end, I was the one who caused the cursed thing to fall…

Which is why I think my colleague stepping in to resolve the whole thing is not wrong at all, although it did cost me more money, my pride and my innocence.

Yes, I still think it’s NOT my fault. Well, not entirely…

And yes, it did hurt my pride quite a bit. *cry*

But I never blamed my colleague because at least she took the initiative to help me out.

If anything, I blame myself for being so weak. *cry harder*

I was even too sorry for myself to do anything about the cursed thing after that too…

As for her cheering effort, it was a case of good intentions turned wrong.

One very important detail to bear in mind here is, I was really angry and upset then (and I still am). At the back of my mind then, I did realize it’s a small matter actually, and I did realize I should have been more careful.

I guess I should’ve just told her then how her responses were actually hurting me…a lot…

I’ve actually experienced it once with her before, but back then I wasn’t as angry as this time, so I just let it passed without thinking much about it (in fact, I’ve already forgotten what I was angry about…).

These two instances led me to think that she isn’t very sensitive when it comes to handling angry people.

But. She was just trying to cheer me up and give me encouragement to face the music. Unfortunately, I guess she must have used the wrong way, because I ended up feeling worse. T_T

It was just a simple request to put the cursed thing out of my sight. I know it’s a small matter, I know what I did wrong… And I also know that I didn’t want to see that darn thing ever again.

When I thought she was being disrespectful to me when she hahahaha-ed and simply refused to assure me that I’ll never see the cursed thing again, at the same time, she was really just trying to lighten the sour mood and give me a push out of the unpleasant experience.

Such is the fragile communication between two beings who were being equally stubborn at the same time.

I’m sorry, dear friend, if I inadvertently hurt you with my previous post. I didn’t blame you for anything and I never will. But I don’t deny that I was really hurt though.

Funny how such a small matter can cause such a ruckus in my small, small world…

Well, there I’ve said it. My world is small, after all.

I’m still not stepping into the cursed place. *what*