my sanctuary…

Booyah! Gettin’ It Right One Step At A Time!

Just got off a personal dance practice session, am elated to say that I’m slowly catching up on some of the steps! Oh yeah!

Perspired like there was no end to ‘em sweats, but the feeling was invigorating. Timely too, especially this time round when I’m feeling quite bad for earnestly slacking practically everything again. (!)

I’ve roughly caught 70% of the whole dance routine, and managed to execute probably about only 10% of the act (okay, I’m not exactly good with numbers and measurements, so these are just rough estimates, could be more, possibly less, ahem…). Not quite flawlessly too, the timing’s still off and the body is having a bit of a problem remembering and adjusting to the steps, even without putting on the music.

There’s still a long way to go. Am so going to get it right. Yes!

If only I’m even half as determined in other areas of my life. Sigh.

In The Quiet Of The Night.

It’s actually not quiet enough for my liking. My sister’s working on something at another desktop computer, and then there’s the sound of glasses clanking and a wok frying from a nearby roadside eatery.

Not to mention the pulsing disco beats from a passing car. *duh*

Just came back from a wedding dinner more than 2 hours ago. As such, the night somehow feels quite young, the feeling is something like I haven’t been at home long enough for the night before I decidedly turn in.

*silence*

Okay, one might need to be me to fully comprehend that last half sentence. *blink*

Man, this is so going to hurt when I wake up for mass 4 1/2 hours later. I always fall asleep especially during homily. Readings too, if I slept really late the night before.

Like now. Shame on me.

The last time (scroll to the end of that entry to see what I mean, ahem…) I did this, I ended up skipping the Sunday mass altogether. *gulp*

Hopefully it’s the opposite ending this time. *fingers crossed* Though I’m pretty sure I’ll fall asleep again midway through the mass. *blink*

I’m getting it again these few days, the feeling of not wanting to sleep even though I’m truly, seriously sleepy. I don’t know why exactly I get it, but I somehow think it’s got something to do with subliminal anxieties over the troubles in my life, ranging from my own character flaws to problems affecting my loved ones.

Sigh, this is life.

Well, to do justice to what the Lord had blessed me with (and I always believe He has been and always will be on the lookout for me…), my life ain’t bad, this I must say. But I am pretty much bothered by my character flaws most of the time. And some of those flaws make me quite ignorant to problems inflicting my loved ones until I am suddenly reminded out of the blue that the problems are still there.

Problems need to be solved. They don’t just go away on their own.

Sigh.

But leh, procrastinating my bedtime is not doing any good in solving the matter, especially when I’m not really doing anything at all to put an end to it during the supposedly extended time. I know this, yes, I do, yet I still don’t feel like turning in even though the eyelids are drooping like mad. @.@

Or maybe, it’s just a bad habit going haywire. >.<

I am such an idiot.

I’m essentially robbing myself of my health for no apparent solid good reason. *blink*

That’s what most people are doing most of the time, I presume. But that doesn’t make it a right thing to do, does it?

No loh.

Okay, this is going nowhere. I don’t even know if I make any sense typing all these out. Sigh, I’ll turn in now.

Good night, world.

The drizzling rain infuses life into the quiet night. There’s hope… And then, there’s loneliness too.

It’s Been Quite A While…

…since the last time I danced. Roughly 3 years, ever since I came to the big city.

Am no bona fide dancer, just an amateur with a slight streak for dancing, who loves to move it out but is too lazy and seriously lacks discipline and the likes to go professional.

Like the very loose ends of any of my other endeavors.

Oh, well… Me and my lazy self. I’ll stop at that for now, had ranted enough of it in the past.

Ahem, moving on…

I love especially the kind of modern dance one usually sees in pop music videos, where there’s a lot of coordinations involved, all the little details and (especially intricately) combined movements of the hands, legs, head and body. I always look on with admiration and envy whenever I watch those music videos or recordings of the artistes’ live performances. They really look so cool as they execute all those professionally choreographed movements and steps… *starry-eyed*

That’s just me, anyone who doesn’t think so doesn’t have to agree with me and doesn’t need to argue with me too.

Ahem, moving on…

3 years, picking it up after more than 3 years of practically zilch practice… My body which has never been quite flexible (if any) at all, has indeed become stiffer. Just a few steps made me break out in profuse sweat and had me caught my breath a few times. *sweat*

Or maybe it’s just the heat in the room from having the curtains pulled together for fear of passers-by noticing me making a fool out of myself. *blink*

Well, I was actually practising a new dance. Naturally, a new dance + years of missing out on practice = a dance klutz. Of course I’m afraid of having people see me lah. *blink*

I got hooked on the videos since last weekend, both the music video and some live performances. I’ve watched and watched and watched them all (all the while imagining yours truly recording a video of yours truly dancing it out ever so coolly and putting it on YouTube, ahem…) until I thought I had finally gotten the gist of some of the movements. I had them on my mind already, so I thought I should be able to execute them just as fine…

Not.

Realization struck when I tried the very first movement. It felt so unnatural. *blink* *blink*

I should’ve known from past experiences… Okay, I think I did recall but I kind of put it at the farthest corner of the back of my mind as I enthusiastically take on the maiden step after such a long time. But I wasn’t quite disappointed with myself because I’m somewhat sure that I’ll get better and better and better with lots of practice. *big grin*

My aging body might be an obstacle, but I’m conveniently ignoring that right now, hehehe… At least for another 10 years anyway. *blink*

My personal dance lessons would normally be done this way, I’d watched them videos repeatedly, pausing and playing and rewinding them every now and then to catch all the movements in my mind first. Then I’ll try out the movements and steps, but I’ll practically mess them all up due to wrong timing and clumsy coordination, which will be polished again and again and again by going back to the videos, pausing and playing and rewinding them again and again and again. The best way to rectify the timing and coordination problems would be to dance to the videos incessantly to make sure that I’m following them correctly.

After all that, it’s practice all the way to get the better hang of it until it’s embedded in every cell of my body, so much so I’m practically one with it, hehehe… Okay, okay, that is, to the point that the dance comes to me very naturally, that I’d never forget how the dance works and would be able to catch up immediately after a few tries even when I’ve been out of it for quite some time.

I’m definitely looking forward to the day I totally master this dance. *big grin*

I Hear Christmas Already.

courtesy of FreeFoto.com

I think it was the last Wednesday morning of the previous month, I was going about my work diligently (ahem, am using this term rather loosely… ahem…) when the familiar polyphonic Christmas tunes from the Chrismas tree four-coloured running lights back at the home in hometown suddenly started playing at the back of my mind. I was immediately brought back to the night scene of the dimly lit Christmas tree in the living room…

Back home, for the few years before I came to the big city to, uh, work (gave up on most of the rest of the reasons already, sigh…), I assigned myself to the task of decorating the Christmas tree at home, a task which I actually reveled in. *blush*

And on some nights, I would switch off the living room lights, leaving just the Christmas tree running lights on, with the lights’ polyphonic Christmas tunes playing softly while I lay myself on one of the living room sofas, my mind occasionally drifting to that Christmas scene some 2000 years ago where it all began…

Oh, how I miss the tranquility…

Man… Made me miss celebrating Christmas at home even more… T_T

I miss going for Christmas carolling… I miss the annual Christmas procession… I miss the Christmas masses, especially the grand hallelujah song… Oh, the nostalgia…

Everything is so different and strange here in the big city. I don’t think I’ll ever adapt to the way things are organized here… I really do feel so out of place, most of the time…

Perhaps I should make it a point to go back for Christmas every year too…

Or just go back for real.

@#$&^ Shop! – Afterthoughts.

Writing with a heavy heart.

I believe I’ve caused a dear friend to feel terribly disappointed and upset for helping me out, not to mention a cheering effort that went really wrong. *sad*

I failed to mention something in my previous post. In dealing with the cursed shop’s people especially the idiot obasan, I really didn’t know how to defend myself. All I know was, at the back of my mind, it was NOT my fault…

Okay, okay, I should’ve been more careful and alert. *what*

The thing is, the shop itself was at fault also, okay!

I did try to assert my innocence by pointing out the way the cursed thing was hung, but it was a dismal effort at best. Instead of confidently stating out the obvious, I was more like whining… *sad sigh*

Had my colleague not stepped in to solve the matter, I guess I would have just lingered on until I found the right words to fend for myself. While obviously trying hard to hold back my tears. >.<

Unfortunately, time was not at my side. It was just after lunch and it was time to head back to the office already. I could have asked my colleagues to head back first without me, but I really didn’t thought of that. In fact, I was actually hoping that they could’ve said something in my defense as I felt quite lost for words and my fatigue and tardy brain were of no help at all. But I do realize that it was non of their business at all, after all in the end, I was the one who caused the cursed thing to fall…

Which is why I think my colleague stepping in to resolve the whole thing is not wrong at all, although it did cost me more money, my pride and my innocence.

Yes, I still think it’s NOT my fault. Well, not entirely…

And yes, it did hurt my pride quite a bit. *cry*

But I never blamed my colleague because at least she took the initiative to help me out.

If anything, I blame myself for being so weak. *cry harder*

I was even too sorry for myself to do anything about the cursed thing after that too…

As for her cheering effort, it was a case of good intentions turned wrong.

One very important detail to bear in mind here is, I was really angry and upset then (and I still am). At the back of my mind then, I did realize it’s a small matter actually, and I did realize I should have been more careful.

I guess I should’ve just told her then how her responses were actually hurting me…a lot…

I’ve actually experienced it once with her before, but back then I wasn’t as angry as this time, so I just let it passed without thinking much about it (in fact, I’ve already forgotten what I was angry about…).

These two instances led me to think that she isn’t very sensitive when it comes to handling angry people.

But. She was just trying to cheer me up and give me encouragement to face the music. Unfortunately, I guess she must have used the wrong way, because I ended up feeling worse. T_T

It was just a simple request to put the cursed thing out of my sight. I know it’s a small matter, I know what I did wrong… And I also know that I didn’t want to see that darn thing ever again.

When I thought she was being disrespectful to me when she hahahaha-ed and simply refused to assure me that I’ll never see the cursed thing again, at the same time, she was really just trying to lighten the sour mood and give me a push out of the unpleasant experience.

Such is the fragile communication between two beings who were being equally stubborn at the same time.

I’m sorry, dear friend, if I inadvertently hurt you with my previous post. I didn’t blame you for anything and I never will. But I don’t deny that I was really hurt though.

Funny how such a small matter can cause such a ruckus in my small, small world…

Well, there I’ve said it. My world is small, after all.

I’m still not stepping into the cursed place. *what*

@#$&^ Shop!

Updating in a foul mood. Trying my best to refrain from spitting out expletives in their entirety. Gah!

It’s a small thing.

But I’m seriously angry!

Don’t even mention the fact that it’s a Monday and I woke up feeling as tired as before I went to sleep as if I hadn’t slept at all when I actually slept earlier…a little!

I should’ve known…it was an OMEN of what was going to happen!

After lunch, I followed my colleagues into this interesting-looking (it is definitely NOT interesting now!) gift cum shoes cum oh-chi-ba-la (read: miscellaneous) (see, it can’t even decide what kind of shop it is! business must be NOT GOOD!) shop.

I was pretty intrigued at first. Until it happened.

Arghhh! Spoiled my mood for the rest of the @#$&^ day!

My colleagues and I were looking at this wall of cute (read: idiotic and stupid) clocks hanging precariously from the kind of steel hooks stores usually use to hang light items, e.g. socks, hair accessories, etc. (warning sirens could have sounded, can’t believe I didn’t noticed! what kind of stupid people use those hooks to hang clocks?!). One ladybug clock (the cursed clock!) was facing the other way, so I tried to turn it around to face us so that we can have a clearer look at it.

Then it dropped. The cursed clock DROPPED!

And the best thing is, it BROKE! The cursed clock @#$&^ BROKE!

It wasn’t really THAT broken. The cursed clock had fake black plastic legs sticking out from the sides stemming from a black plastic free-moving stem at the back, probably to move from side to side simulating a pendulum when the cursed clock is alive (!). The bottom pair of legs broke off from the impact.

I didn’t even realized that there was anything wrong with it. I was about to walk off leaving the clock in the display basket where it dropped into when a suddenly very alert @#$&^ shop assistant came by to check on the cursed thing. And said that I had to pay for the cursed @#$&^ thing!

I of course refused! The cursed thing was hanging precariously WITHOUT any support (some of the clocks actually had nylon strings tied to them for hanging purposes), and there wasn’t any warning sign signalling customers to be careful at all! @#$&^!

Hitherto I still believe I shouldn’t have had to pay for the damage! It wasn’t my fault!!! The cursed thing could have easily dropped when a gust of wind blew it off!!!

When the lady owner was informed of the matter, she came by to see the clock and the first sound she made was, “Tsk.”

I was already very annoyed and angry, disbelief clouding my mind.

She insisted that I pay because the cursed thing was broken (and it broke when it dropped after I tried to turn it around to have a better look at it *roll eyes*), how could she sell it out now? I’m telling you, even if it wasn’t broken, she couldn’t have been able to sell it anyhow. It wasn’t even nice! HRUMPH!!!

Had my colleague not stood in to have a look at the cursed thing and offer to pay at a lower price, I’d have persisted on my innocence (while swallowing back my tears real hard)! Because it was NOT my fault!

RM20.00 from the discounted price of RM24.99 (discounted summor! original price was almost RM40.00! told you no one would buy it!) definitely does not do justice to my innocence! Even RM5.00 would have been too much!!! Hey, I’m innocent here, O-K-A-Y!!!

My colleague paid for the clock and passed it to another colleague. I distanced myself from my colleagues on the way back to the office after that, walking briskly with hot angry tears pooling in my eyes.

Yes, I’m the kind to cry when I’m angry. And I was @#$&^ angry!

Back in the office, I msn-ed my colleague that I’d pay her back tomorrow as I thought I didn’t brought enough money. I even apologized for the trouble. Then she actually told me to my utmost horror that they were planning to hang the cursed thing in the office after another colleague had fixed it!

As if I haven’t had enough of the stupid nonsense!!!

This colleague of mine, as much as I love her during our normal heart-to-heart or even nonsense chat… She just isn’t very sensitive when it comes to dealing with an angry and upset colleague-friend loh!!! She kept hahahaha-ing away when I unleashed my displeasures (to put it mildly) over the cursed thing, and when I practically pleaded her to keep that cursed thing permanently out of my sight, she either ignored me (what!)… told me to take it as a lesson, no matter whose fault it was, that it was just a thing not a human (my foot! so what if it’s a thing not a human?! it’s a painful reminder of something that is NOT my fault!!!)… challenged me to throw it away when I said I would the minute I see it (@#$&^!)… or suddenly dedicatedly told me to do my work!

All the while paying no heed to my hurt feelings!!!

Hot angry tears were rolling from my eyes incessantly the whole time O-K-A-Y!

I turned to the colleague who was tasked to repair the cursed thing, msn-ing him to give it away after he fixed it (with hot angry tears pooling in my eyes again) (what, the tears had wills on their own, okay!). I’ve never felt so grateful to anyone in my life when he said he would, with the condition that I wouldn’t be angry and upset anymore (awww, I really could have hugged him then and there!). He also mentioned that the clocks weren’t hung properly (see, I wasn’t bluffing!), and he made me feel so happy when he called the lady owner an obasan (read: old aunty)! The stupid obasan was not really an old aunty, but who cares?! HRUMPH!

Idiot obasan just lost one potentially good customer too! I was actually mentally bookmarking her shop before all those nonsense, you know! Never am I going to step into the cursed place again! N-E-V-E-R!

HM!

Okay, okay, I’m a BIG CRYBABY. I am not ashamed nor am I proud of it. >.<

And I wanted a watch, not a cursed clock!!!

Graze??

Behold the medicine the doctor prescribed me last Friday…

Upon closer inspection…

the offending z

What, do I look like a cow or something?? There’s a huge difference between a C and a Z, O-K-A-Y??

Poisoned!

Food poisoning. Uh huh.

My weekend, gone. Was down with gastric, then fever, then fatigue, then vomit-inducing migraine, then excessive intestinal gas, AND THEN diarrhoea… *sweat*

Talk about being unbelievably sick. Can’t for the life of me remember when was the last time I was this sick. Then again, can’t really depend on my malfunctioning memory these days. >.<

It started on Friday morning. I had this funny cramp feeling in my stomach after the usual morning stint on the porcelain throne, but I took it as a passing thingy.

Wrong.

Almost called it quits on my way to work (I mainly walk, with a 2kg plus laptop on my back…), but I stubbornly persevered (gosh, I wish I am that perseverant when it comes to things that really matters…), feeling all the colour draining from my face. I managed to reach the office all in one piece…

…only to leave by lunchtime. Without much work done. >.<

Dragged myself back on the same route (could have costed me my life, walking unshielded under the scorching sun, but I have nerves of steel when it comes to this kind of situations >.<), stopping to see the doctor and also to buy lunch and dinner. And two ice-creams (I was craving for ice-creams, yes, even at times like this…). Doctor said it was a gastric problem, which might be due to missing just the right time to eat or maybe even stress-related.

Hmmm, how come neither of us even had the slightest thought that it was actually food poisoning??

Reached home, took medicine, ate lunch while watching an episode of Karei Naru Ichizoku (one tends to feel less sick when at home…) and took a nap.

Woke up to the rain…with a fever. Asked my sister to buy Panadol for me, but she told me off, telling me to just drink a lot of water (she’s an advocate of natural living, you see…). Well, she’s right, I’m just irked over the fact that she didn’t just listen to me and buy the stupid Panadol for me. >.<

Couldn’t finish my dinner (which was also attempted while watching another two episodes of Karei Naru Ichizoku…), ended up throwing it away, much to my own chagrin. Went to sleep with a big bottle of water. Woke up a few times to go to the toilet and drank loads of water before going back to sleep each time. The fever was gone by 2 or 3 in the morning. But I didn’t really sleep well. Sigh.

Saturday was quite uneventful except for me feeling as if all energy had been sucked out of me. Called up a good friend to cancel our date because I seriously didn’t thought I was up to it. Was supposed to meet her the next day to buy her a meal for her birthday. Most importantly, to have our occasional all-day-long deep heart-to-heart girl talk. Man, I really hated having to cancel our date because of this stupid bout of food poisoning! *sulk*

Oh, stomach began to feel weird towards the evening. Unable to resist the temptation, I took the discretion to reward myself with an ice-cream for successfully fighting off the fever, silently hoping that it would do wonders for the stomach too. Miraculously, it somehow did (or so I thought…). And so, I helped myself to the second one. *ahem* The stomach didn’t feel so good when I went to bed. >.<

I woke up around 2 or 3 in the morning with a migraine (!) and still, a weird feeling stomach.

Migraine was too much for me, so I got up and prayed a rosary by my study desk in the dark, and just laid my forehead on the table after that. That made me feel better and a while later I went back to sleep. Didn’t wake up until almost 11 a.m. and as such, shamefully skipped Sunday mass. My bad. I think I was up to it, but I was really too lazy and tired. >.<

Asked my sister to “gua sa” for me, but that turned up nothing. Even got scolded by her for sleeping late so often, she suspected that my migraine and uneasiness had something to do with sleep deprivation (oh well…). After that, had diarrhoea once, and when I went to bed that night, the stomach was grinding like crazy. Before that, the grinding more often than not ended up in awful smelling farts. Ewww… But I didn’t fancy the idea of going to toilet because it’ll just end up in eeky you-know-what, so I didn’t. >.<

Anyhow, I managed to fall asleep. The next morning, the whole thing came out during the usual morning stint on the porcelain throne. Double ewww… I had the scare of my life afterwards when not only fart came out after a grind but eeky you-know-what also!! Luckily I was still at home and it was still manageable. *sweat* I went to see the doctor again, and again, neither of us had the faintest idea that it was actually food poisoning. >.<

But I was feeling okay overall, and the doctor didn’t see the need to give me MC as well, so I trotted off to work albeit messaging my boss and also colleague earlier that I might have to take another MC. This time, I survived the day!! *big grin* While religiously taking the diarrhoea and stomach gas pills, of course. *sweat*

And I feel like my old sleep-deprived self today!!

Okay, that came out wrong.

It Hurt…

…even more when I felt like it’s the end, and yet I was split between letting go and persevering on…

Sunday night, I finally received the email’s sequel that I’d been waiting for more than a week(!) As expected. The mails almost never arrive in my mailbox (or inbox) when I need them to.

It was a sombre email, one that almost signalled an end. Being the crybaby I am, I cried my heart out first, all the negative thoughts popping up like crazy. My heart was really sore.

What’s worse is, I am still torn between letting go and persevering on… Decisions, why are they so hard to make?

Sometimes I’m convinced that we’re not meant for each other, that letting go would actually do good to both of us. The long-distance all this while is not working out for us, it costed us dearly on our understanding of each other.

But, we still love each other and somehow a part of me wants to believe that it can still work out well…yet doubtful due to the damaging long-distance… That part of me wants to give it another chance before giving up for good…

When the time is right, we’ll be having a deep heart-to-heart talk about it…to decide where to go on from here… Hope we’ll make the right decision…

Aaaaarghhhhh. :’(

I Don’t Know What I Want.

I don’t know what I don’t want either. Sigh.

Be it love, family or career, even down to hobbies and minute preferences, it’s the same. Sometimes I’ll think, “okay, I definitely want it this way”, few days later (the next second even!), I’ll completely overturn that very thought.

Perhaps this is normal. Humans change their minds all the time, don’t they? >.<

But I don’t think I should be so fickle-minded when it comes to the major stuff, especially when I’m such a lazy bum and procrastinates practically everything.

To top that off, I’m incredibly slow and indecisive too!

Bummer.